Ugh.

My fall term at school starts tomorrow and my motivation and excitement for school has dropped considerably. I'm not even in classes yet and I'm sick of the homework. How pathetic. Life's just got me stressing out a bit for various reasons and I'm just tired. Fighting back tears constantly and being irritable and easily agitated. It's all really annoying.

And then I'm really bad at the "five things" list idea I had because I can't think of a theme for my next list. I had an idea, but silly me, I didn't have my journal with me to write it down to blog about it at a later date.

Can I go to sleep for a few days?

An admittance

I'm really very insecure sometimes. I've always kept myself in denial of it, but it's a true thing. I play it off like things don't bother me, but sometimes the smallest comment about something maybe about what I'm wearing or whatever can really bum me out. I'm also really insecure in relationships and friendships. I constantly find myself wondering if my boyfriend really loves me or if he just puts up with me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Do my friends actually enjoy being my friend or do they pity me. They're stupid thoughts, and I often feel really stupid for thinking them because of course my friends are really my friends and my boyfriend does love me, otherwise he wouldn't still be with me after three years. I just get too down on myself sometimes, and it's hypocritical of me because I tell others not to be so down on themselves, and that's not a good way to live.

Surely, I'm not the only person who feels this way, but feeling this way sucks.

Five Things: Creativity

So I've decided, I think I'm going to write a "Five things" list every week. Five things to better my life and the world around me. 

Enhancing my creativity.

1. Fill at least one page of my sketch book every day. It can be anything: practicing my shading techniques, random doodles, practicing body parts I have trouble with, three-dimensional shapes, etc. 
2. Fill at least two pages in my journal every day. Again, it can be anything: thoughts, poetry, pieces of stories I feel inspired to write, notes and observations about the world around me, etc.
3. Take both my sketch book and journal with me everywhere I go, so they're both in easy reach if inspiration strikes.
4. Read books I haven't read instead of continuing to read books I've read a million times already. I own so many books, and my family owns a lot of books. I could be reading these books, but I read the same books all the time.
5. Let my mind wander occasionally. Go to the park, lay in the grass and just let my mind go. 

I'm really excited for life right now. I just feel really good about it.
Something I most excited for is to start training myself with bike riding because next year, my grandma and I are going on a massive bike trip. She does it pretty often, where she'll ride with a group of ladies around various parts of the US. She's a fucking inspiration because she's had both of her hips replaced, major heart surgery, and she's not exactly the fittest woman in the world, but she's ridden from New Orleans to Niagara Falls in one trip. She's ridden around volcanoes and stuff in Hawaii. It's crazy, she's amazing! So anyway, next year, we're either going to go to Idaho, Niagara Falls or Washington DC. I would be happy going to any of them because I haven't been to many other states, so any of them would be a great experience. I'm really hoping it's DC or Niagara Falls though, because they're two places I've always wanted to visit.

Other than that, I'm just excited to finish up my summer term. I've got finals this Wednesday, then I'm off for a few weeks, and then I get to kick but with fourteen credit hours.

It's been a couple of weeks since I've last posted. Not too much has changed. I'm back living with my family,  though, and have been for a little over a week now. I'm about to register for my fall semester at school, getting one term closer to being able to apply for the nursing program, which I'm very excited for. I still have a lot to go before I can apply, but it feels great to actually feel like I'm starting to find my path again. It's liberating. Next step is still looking for a job and definitely getting my driver's license. I'm headed in the right direction, though, and there's no place to go but up. 

Bring it on.

I've been so bad about keeping up with this blog lately. I mean, it doesn't matter too much since no one reads it, but I really do like to keep it for myself so I can quickly write what's going on in my life and assess it and then deal with it. Anyway, I've just had a lot of stuff going on. With the possibility of losing my house looming over my head and then my mom tells me that she and my step-dad may not stay together, which really upset me, and then school and trying to find a job.

I've decided I'm going to apply for the nursing program at my school. This is what I want to do, and I really hope I don't change my mind, but I feel really good about this. I've got quite a bit to do before I can apply, but that's okay. It'll give me time to confirm that this is what I want to do and stick with.

I'm going to apply for jobs at local nursing homes in this coming week, so fingers crossed for that.

My mom said that if it comes down to it, I'm welcome to move back in with her, only downside, Connor can't come with, which doesn't really make me happy because I've been living with Connor for a little over a year and a half, and to go back to not living with him really bums me out because I love living with him and don't want to not live with him. It would be for the best, though. But it's only happening if we really have no way of staying in our house.

I'm trying really hard to keep my chin up, but it gets tough sometimes. I just keep telling myself that things will get better and all the crappy stuff will pay off. I hope.

Everything has just been bumming me out so badly this passed week so I have zero motivation to do anything. I need to work out. I don't want to. I need to clean the house. I don't want to. I need to do homework. I don't want to. I'm tired of school already and it's only been three days. I have to be a grown up and get shit done. I don't have time to sit around being upset, but that's all I want to fucking do.